and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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