Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
