If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
