Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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