my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
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Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES