You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
