Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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