Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
