Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
