You just made me feel so damn special
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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