Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
