Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
