Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
