True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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