I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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