I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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