Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
she pinky promised me she was 18
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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