just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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