I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
