dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Randomize
