just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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