I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
