So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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