he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
