My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
