Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
