I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize