theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
