just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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