biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
