just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
