I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
should my penis look like a turkey
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
