I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
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the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
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I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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