tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
