Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
