I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
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I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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