it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
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Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
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WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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