6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
