I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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