Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
