I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
