Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
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My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
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She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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