how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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