everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
