my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
