somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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