And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
