My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
