You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
