Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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