I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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