Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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