I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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