Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
