I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.