I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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