How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
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I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
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Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.