I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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