Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
