Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
